Last night I attended a parent seminar at my daughter's school, titled, “BFF! (Except When We're Not): Teaching Girls to Develop Healthy Friendships”. This was a pretty powerful seminar and opened my eyes. I wanted to share what I took away.....
As a mom to a pretty incredible 5th grade girl, I have observed the dynamics among her and her "friends". Over the past 7-8 months I have noticed some strange shifts in the behaviors of some of the girls she was around. I have also noticed how my daughter reacts/responds in turn. I will be the first to admit, there are times when"Mama Bear" wanted to come out and roar, "KNOCK IT OOOOFFFFF!" And, I also know that this is exactly the opposite of what my daughter would want me to do. I know that she looks to me to guide her, not tell her what to do. I will own the fact that there are times, where I go right into advice mode and start rattling off all the things I think she "should" do. Those are the same times when I see her roll her eyes, cross her arms, or drift off to the happy place in her head. It's funny, I see her disengaging, the voice in my head yells, "change course...this is not working!!!", and yet I hear myself continuing to tell her what to do. UGH! And so the vicious cycle continued.
I know I am not alone in this! Right??
(I digress....)
One of the things I learned about is "Relational Aggression". This is behavior intended to harm or manipulate a relationship. I found myself feeling better as I was able to attach this very nice, clinical word to the acts of the "mean girls" from my past! A-ha!!
It's funny (kind of funny "ha ha" also, funny "ironic") that when my daughter shares her pain with me, I resort back to how I felt when I experienced something similar in my girlhood! YIKES! I mentioned the Mama Bear that wants to come out with claws and teeth bearing.....
I know that there are other moms out there who feel the same way! The fact is, in that moment it stopped being about her, and it became about me!
The memories and the stories I told myself about why those event happened and what those events meant are still with me as an adult.
Let me repeat this:
The memory of the times that a "friend" intentionally harmed or manipulated our friendship; the story we told ourselves about why; and the meaning we attached to that....it stays with us!
"I'm not pretty enough"; "I'm not athletic enough"; "I'm not smart enough"; I'm not funny enough"; "I'm not thin enough"; and so on.....
We carry these stories with us for years! These stories can have such a damaging impact on our future relationships as adults.
Last night was one of those "A-ha" moments for me. My daughter (and son) will look to me to guide them more than than will look to me to tell them what to do. I re-learned that my role is to support/coach my child as she navigates her way through the occasional turbulant waters. If I grab the helm and take over, how will she ever learn to trust her choices and judgement? How will she step into the confidence necessary to choose the course best for her?
I believe one of the most crucial things our daughters can know (like really "know" in their core) is that popularity does not equal being a leader. How they choose to show up in the lives of others is what matters most. What they DO is not nearly as important as who they choose to BE.
BEing a leader means:
~ Showing respect;
~ Treating others with compassion (we never know what is going on in the life of another);
~ Being tolerant of others' differences....I mean really....how boring and bland would this world be if we all looked the same, talked the same, dressed the same....;
~ Accepting of those difference;
~ Being kind;
~ Being selfless (the opposite of selfish)
~ And....the willingness to follow a path that allows us to be authentic and in true choice even though it may be less popular.
I also learned that it is up to me to set the tone and demonstrate what it means to be a true, authentic friend. It is up to me to model what leadership really is.
In the times we live in, it is important to empower our daughters. I want my daughter to know that she is beautiful....AND, more importantly, I want her to walk in life knowing that she is intelligent, creative, funny, kind, compassionate, respectful, accepting.
I want her to know that how she shows up in the lives of others matters more than how many goals she scored in her soccer game, or how many points she scored in basketball, or how many boyfriends she has in high school.
As I mentioned earlier, as parents our kids look to us to demonstrate how to BE in relationships. How are you showing your daughters to BE?
Are you bad mouthing others? Are you spreading gossip? Do you choose intolerance? Are you driven by being popular among the other moms/dads?
Or
Are you choosing to show her what respect looks like and acts like? Are you demonstrating compassion, patience, kindness? Are you willing to follow a path that is less popular and true to your authentic self?
I am still figuring out this parent thing! There are times when I make mistakes.....where I choose to lecture and tell how things "should be". I also know, that my desire to come from a place of confidence, authenticity, and courage; and to empower her in making choices that are best for her is my ultimate goal.
My success will be measured when my daughter can look back and say, "My mom was a great compass for me as I navigated my way through relationships growing up."
Friendship exists to uplift the soul, to create connection on a deep level. A true friend will be there in a time of sadness, anger, frustration just as much as they are to celebrate happiness, create joy and share laughter. Friends don't manipulate, harm, disrespect or tear down. Friends empower, support, encourage, motivate and inspire!
What ONE thing will you do today to uplift and empower a young girl in your life?
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